“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
–Brenee Brown, Daring Greatly
Hello friends—it’s been a while since I’ve posted and for good reason, albeit this isn’t exactly holly jolly, seasonal intro and accompanying recipe that you might have come to expect from me here on Honestly Nourished.
I’ve been trying to write this post for a month and I’ve started and restarted more than a few times, always struggling with the “best” way to share my truth.
I’ve finally accepted that there is no “best” way to say what I want to say and share what I’m going through right now. As someone who has admitted to being a perfectionist and worrying about insignificant things beyond my control such as what others think, it’s especially challenging for me to be vulnerable and yet essential to living authentically—something I wholeheartedly value and know you do, too.
So here it is:
A little over one month ago I admitted to a residential eating disorder facility in Southern California, where I’m currently seeking treatment for anorexia. The decision to seek help at a residential treatment center was not one that I made lightly (or quickly for that matter).
It’s scary to admit that to all that I’m struggling with an eating disorder and it equally difficult for me to admit this to myself.
While it’s still unclear exactly how long I will need to be here, I do know that living with food fears, rules, and an eating disorder is NOT living. Thus, I intend to stay as long as it takes to restore my mental and physical health.
There’s obviously a lot (like A LOT) more to this story and I fully intend and look forward to sharing more about what I’m going through in time. For the time being, I’m focusing on my recovery and that means I need to take a little bit of break from my usual blogging and social media schedule (clearly I’ve already been taking that break just officially saying so now wink wink).
I care about you all and know that this blog, writing, and inspiring others to live an honestly nourished life is my passion and calling. I simply want to let you all know that I am taking the steps to cultivate a healthy, balanced relationship with food and my body and find more healthful ways to cope with the everyday stresses of life so I can get back to doing what I love.
It’s been one of the most exciting and challenging years of my life–personally and professionally–however, I wouldn’t change any of it. Truly. I have a very clear picture of what I want my life to look like going forward and it’s what drives me everyday to keep working on recovery. One meal, one snack, one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time.
I’m staying positive, doing the work to challenge my limiting beliefs around food and health, and remaining open to what is to come. At the same time I’m terrified.
I’m terrified to recover and terrified not to recover.
Strange as it may seem, I couldn’t be more grateful to be exactly where I am right now. While I may not be surrounded by my immediate family or my husband, I am surrounded by an incredible group of women, who show up each day to fight against their eating disorders. I’m also incredibly fortunate to be at one of the country’s best and most progressive eating disorder facilities in the country that employs recovered professionals, who are living proof that being fully recovered from an eating disorder is possible.
Some days are easier than others (heck some minutes are easier than others) and yet I am confident that it recovery is worth the fight and that I deserve it.
I truly do believe that everything happens for a reason and that my relapse with an eating disorder is all part of a bigger plan that isn’t yet clear to me. However, I wholeheartedly believe that my experience in the last year and what I’m going through will have a happy ending.
In the meantime, I hope you’ll continue to stop by the site and look for updates in the coming weeks. If you have any questions about what I’m going through, eating disorder treatment, or just want to say hi, hello, or give me a virtual high five (always welcome!), you can send me an email at hello [at] honestlynourished [dot] com. It might take me a few days or longer to reply and I appreciate your patience, compassion, and ongoing support.
Wishing you all the happiest of holiday seasons and look forward to what 2017 will bring. I for one know it’s going to be the best year yet because it will 100% without a doubt involve plenty of rainbow sprinkles, cookie dough ice cream, and opportunities to really show up and be present in the lives of my friends and family again.
Lots of love,